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A relationship is not 50-50, it’s 100-100

Brother of a Friend

Recently I attended two different COVID weddings and have thought a lot about marriage, friendships, partners, and companionship. One of the weddings was my own (rescheduled party from last year) and the other was a good friend of mine.

Between the two of them, there were plenty of speeches with some great advice. For example, my brother said, “Don’t suck” while my parents said to cherish every moment together. Even though both are great pieces of advice in their own way, the one that stuck out to me the most was what the brother of my best friend said during his best man speech.

50-50 won’t work because you can’t just meet halfway. You have to give everything you have to make a marriage work.

That’s what he said and it stirred an emotion inside of me that left me thinking well after his speech ended. It made me think about personal responsibility and how each of us has the power to make the relationships in our lives meaningful in whatever way we choose. The interesting thing is that I had never heard of it said this way.

In Darren Hardy’s book, “The Compound Effect” he also talks about how relationships can’t be 50-50 but only goes as far as to say that people need to have a 100-0 mentality. Meaning that people need to be willing to give everything without expecting anything in return.

While I had thought this was the right way for a long time, I am beginning to believe, based on more life experiences, interviews, and wedding speeches, that this way of thinking needs to be updated to a 100-100 approach.

Family/Friends

If I am giving everything I have to the friendship and expecting nothing in return, I am welcoming people to walk all over me. While I hope that my family and friends will not do this intentionally, with this mentality, I encourage that behavior and give them permission to do this.

When I change my thinking about relationships to 100-100, I begin to think about how both sides can contribute to making it mutually beneficial. I start to give myself permission to ask for and expect things in return which gives them opportunities to contribute to the relationship.

Maybe the reason my relationships aren’t as great as they could be is because I don’t give the other side enough opportunities to contribute. I am always the one saying yes and doing things for others, not expecting anything in return. Maybe I should begin to ask for help instead of always asking if other people need help.

Professionally

I have seen people go after jobs that they are not qualified for and get them. I have also seen extremely intelligent people wait to be handed a promotion and I think they are still waiting.

Giving everything you have to your job and not asking for anything in return can only be seen as a way to get walked over and a 100-0 relationship. How will people know that I want a raise, or a promotion if I don’t ask for it? I have to give them an opportunity to contribute to the partnership and make it as close as 100-100 as possible.

Physical/Mental

While the quote was mostly talking about interpersonal relationships, I think it also applies to your relationship with yourself. Building up my body and my mind, keeping them fresh and energized is a great way to keep myself healthy.

I recently finished a workout program and was in the best shape in years. I worked out 6 days a week, ate healthily, and went from 11.8% body fat to 10.9%. I read more, got enough sleep, and drank plenty of water. I couldn’t believe how great I felt and my body allowed me to be extra sharp at work, handle more stress, and, most importantly, play better golf.

After the program finished, I took a break, eased back on the workouts, and started to eat some dessert. In the last month, I have felt groggy, anxious, and my muscles have felt sorer than when I was doing the program.

I stopped putting work into my relationship with myself and I stopped getting the benefits. I realized that the body and the mind give back exactly what you put in. It can be seen as 50-50, 100-100, or what you want, but to me, it is exactly proportional to what you put in.

Whether it is relationships with other people or with myself, I have come to realize that if I want the best I have to give my best AND expect their best in return. It has to be 100-100.