If you want to make a friend, let them do you a favor. – Benjamin Franklin Click to tweet

I read this quote the other day and it got me thinking about relationships and friendships. Each relationship has at least two perspectives and I have thought about ways in which friendships can grow and shrink.

Friendships can be difficult because each party may not know where they stand with the other person. This may sound childish but it happens to people at any age. You might think they are your best friend but they might have a different best friend other than you.

This situation can occur with co-workers also. You might feel that you are your boss’s go-to person for all things, but your boss chose someone else to lead a project. How can we really know where we stand in relationships or friendships?

As I’ve written before, nothing is better than open and honest communication. A saying that many people have heard but bears repeating is, “The truth will set you free.”

Communication

I struggle with this sometimes. When someone asks me to join an event I am going to but I cannot invite them to, I have a very hard time telling them no. I try to be way too nice and tell them I’m busy or make up a story about how it isn’t up to me.

Everyone that knows me, knows I have a horrible poker face. In almost all situations I cannot lie, but this is one of the few situations where I have a very hard time speaking the truth.

In the long run, I know people are better off hearing the hard truth rather than being told something else to make them feel better. This prolongs the inevitable and “passes the buck” from me to someone else or future me.

If I really want to make a new friend or build a deeper relationship with a current friend, should I do what Ben Franklin said and ask them to help me out?

Favors

When we help people who ask for our help, we are doing two important things. First, we relieve some pressure or stress that they might be experiencing and make their lives a little bit easier.

Second, and most importantly, we are proving to them that they can trust us. This is, in my opinion, the second most powerful emotional connection between two people (love is #1).

But Franklin turns this situation around and talks about asking for favors rather than performing favors for others. It’s a different perspective to trying to find a connection with people. In my life, I have found some people ask for help all the time while others do not ask for help at all.

People show that they care about you in different ways. Some through advice, while others through laughter and fun times. I am one of those people that show they care by doing favors for them.

Whether it is helping to build a grill or picking up a package for them, I do what I can to help them. Does that mean I get taken advantage of? Sometimes. Do I expect things in return? No. I subscribe to the belief that “Relationships do not have to be transactional.”

Relationships do not have to be transactional. Click to tweet

Stephen Covey describes in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People something called an emotional bank account. He explains this using the following story,

By proactively doing things that build trust in a relationship, one makes ‘deposits.’  Conversely, by reactively doing things that decrease trust, one makes ‘withdrawals.’  The current ‘balance’ in the emotional bank account, will determine how well two people can communicate and problem-solve together.

While this makes sense logically, it doesn’t always work because relationships should not be ‘tit-for-tat’, where if I do something for you, you must do something for me. That changes the reasoning for doing favors for other people.

The why changes from “I want to help out a friend” to “I will need help watching my dog next week, so I’ll help him now.” Instead, of thinking relationships are like accounting, we can have relationships and friendships that are around being there for each other.

Final Thoughts

If we are to explore how to become better people to each other, I believe it starts with being there for one another. Seeing them in person and asking for help. It’s okay to not be able to do everything on your own.

Asking for help shows that you are humble, curious, and vulnerable all at the same time. You realize that you don’t know everything, and are interested in learning more. But also, you open yourself up to letting someone else in.

I think that’s really what Ben Franklin was talking about. Asking for help to gain a friend is an open invitation to letting someone into your world, even if it is just for a moment. And that can be life-changing.