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What we say is proof of how well we listen.

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There – Marshal Goldsmith

Being a good listener can be the biggest compliment to the person who is speaking while making you smarter at the same time. It’s such a powerful tool that hundreds of books, articles, and studies have been conducted on the topic of listening.

I’d like to break down listening from another angle. Why are good listeners the ones that rise to the top? Why do they have rich lives?

First, I’d like to point out that being a good listener is not complicated. The process is pretty straightforward. Here it is in two steps. 1) Shut your mouth. 2) Open your ears. That’s it!

Well, that’s not entirely it… What separates a good listener from a great listener is undivided attention coupled with appropriate responses. Giving someone undivided attention shows them that they are important, that you truly care what they have to say, and that you want to learn from them.

After they say something, the listener has many options for how to respond. We can immediately say something in return because, instead of listening, we were thinking of what to say next. We can nod our heads and say nothing. Or we can respond with a thoughtful/probing comment or question.

'What we say is proof of how well we listen.' – What got you here won’t get you there, Marshall Goldsmith Click to tweet

The Proof is in the Pudding

There is no hiding it. When the listener responds with some outrageous comment or something as simple as, “Can you repeat that?”, it’s probably because they weren’t listening. They may have heard the words, but they didn’t register because their mind was somewhere else, usually thinking of what they wanted to say next.

But how great is it when someone asks a follow-up question? When they are so interested that they want to know more? That proves to me that they think I am important enough to warrant their attention, they care about what I am saying, and they want to learn from me.

What they don’t do is get distracted by anything else around them. They don’t reach for their phone when it goes off in the middle of my sentence. They don’t turn their head to see who else walked into the room while I said my pitch. And they certainly do not look at their watch to see what time it is.

After hearing this, there are a select few that come to mind who are truly great listeners. A previous supervisor of mine was extremely disciplined in controlling what he paid attention to. Never once did I see him divert his attention from me when we were talking to each other.

Another person I know always looks me in the eyes and never breaks away while I am talking. Not in a creepy, stare-down kind of way but in an engaging way. Almost as if they are saying with their eyes, “you have my full attention.”

I recommend trying these two actions. They aren’t as easy as they sound. Do not pay attention to anything else except the person that is talking. Look into their eyes for the entire conversation. They will most likely look away because it is unusual for someone to do that, but try and hold your gaze to tell them with your eyes, “you have my full attention.”

Listening and Riches

I have written about how communication is the key to creating and keeping lasting relationships. Communication means someone is talking and someone is listening. From my personal experience, I learn more when I am listening than when I am talking.

I learn more when I am listening than when I am talking. Click to tweet

Learning more about other people helps grow work relationships, strengthening your network. Listening to my wife gives me the tools to understand how she is feeling so I know how to make her happy. Listening to my body and my mind tells me when I can push harder to stretch my limits or when I should slow down and rest.

Most important of all, listening to my soul, how I am currently feeling, helps me center myself. Am I happy with my current life? Am I where I want to be with the different areas of Life Balance? Do I want to make a change?

This is where we have the power! Learn from others and learn from yourself. Be disciplined in what you devote your attention to. It is finite. Like I have said previously, the definition of multi-tasking is doing many things poorly.

Try It For Yourself

For one day, try not to get distracted during a one-on-one conversation. And during that conversation, try to look the other person in the eye. Do this with as many people as you can and you will see compounding improvements in the connections between you and the other person.

I did this for a week and couldn’t believe how my relationships changed for the better just after that short time. It is worth it. What’s the worst that can happen?