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I recently finished reading The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution by Dudley Weeks, Ph.D. and it was great!

This book has been fascinating to read and has helped me to think about all conflicts, small or large, in a different way. I felt like the author explained the components of a conflict well, gave his process on resolving conflicts, and gave specific examples on how to implement each step in the process.

It is broken out into 3 different sections: Part I: Understanding Conflicts, Part II: The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution, and the Appendix:  A) Handling Frequent Problem Areas and B) Two Cases that demonstrate the Conflict Partnership Process.

I’ll break this review up in a similar fashion with this first post going over the Understanding Conflicts section of the book.

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Preface

Before we jump into the book itself, reading the Preface was extremely helpful in getting me in the right mindset to accept the author’s way of thinking. It helped me scope the topic that this book will cover and understand which areas of my life I can apply these lessons to. (Hint: It’s almost every area. 😀 )

The Preface starts with:

“Conflict is an inescapable part of our daily lives, an inevitable result of our highly complex, competitive, and often litigious society. Whether it be in our personal relationships or our business interactions, each of us has our own ideas, opinions, and needs, and how we deal with our differences with others can determine the quality of our lives.”

This is the perfect way to start the topic of conflict. Stating that conflict is everywhere tells the reader how necessary this skill is and, most importantly, how it can affect your everyday life. I have found that whether it is with Family, Friends, or in the office, there are always some conflicts that I encounter.

“Whereas some conflicts are simply minor nuisances that we accept as a natural component of existence, others keep our relationships from realizing their full potential, and some become so severe that they do irreparable damage to individuals, families, workplaces, and entire communities.”

Defining conflicts as either trivial or devastating shows the gravity of the topic of conflict resolution. One example of this is when a simple email written without the correct tone created a major conflict in my workplace. The two individuals did not speak for a week and had to see HR about it. Once they realized the misunderstanding, things got better but could’ve been solved more effectively using this book’s conflict resolution steps.

“Learning how to deal with conflicts effectively is increasingly an essential life skill needed by every person and every group regardless of one’s age, social role, profession, cultural background or beliefs.”

The author now is telling us to be humble and knows that no matter how many experiences we have or what we think we know, there is always room to continue learning and developing the conflict resolution skillset. I subscribe to the belief of being a life-long learner. The topics and skills I learn might change from calculus to conflict resolution, but I will never stop learning.

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Conflict Viewpoints

The first couple of chapters talk about how conflict shouldn’t always be viewed as a negative event.  As stated at the very beginning of the book:

“Thus, one of the first steps in becoming more effective at resolving conflicts is to understand the positive potential that awaits in all situations of discord. In other words, we need to transform how we think about conflict.”

That change of viewpoint is so simple and yet so powerful. It is difficult in the moment to realize but can totally transform the way both parties view the conflict.

A major theme throughout the book is something the author coins the “Conflict Partnership Approach”. I personally think that for more trivial disputes, that simple communication about the misunderstanding can solve the issue quickly so everyone can move on.

But for larger conflicts that have seemed to fester over periods of time, are reoccurring, or stir up intense emotional responses, I think the conflict partnership approach can and should be used.

“The conflict partnership approach focuses on both the immediate conflict and the overall relationship, of which a particular conflict is but one part, providing skills that are not only conflict resolution skills but also relationship-building skills.”

This goal for enhancing both the conflict and the relationship itself is why I think people can and should view conflicts as an exciting time to learn more about each other. Once the emotional response has passed, I find myself curious and excited to see where this dispute may lead. What I can learn about myself and the other party is the growth part and it starts with needs vs. wants.

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Needs and Wants

There are obviously differences between two or more people in a conflict. That is probably what started it. Those differences cause us to have wants and needs that may seem unusual to others. For example, if I think we should purchase a car that has great gas efficiency but my wife thinks we should focus on cars with the highest safety ratings, I need to determine if gas efficiency is a want vs a need for me and my wife should do the same for safety.

The author does a careful job of differentiating a need from a want since that can help in the resolution of the conflict.

“Needs are conditions we perceive we cannot do without, or that we believe are critical to the well-being and development of a relationship.”

Needs are very similar to an individual’s values and principles:

“A value is something we consider to be of significant importance, such as a value of always being honest with a relationship partner, or not trying to belittle someone else as a way to try to make oneself seem better, or a moral value such as fidelity in marriage, or, for some people, being a vegetarian.”

“A value can involve a belief, a principle, or even a pattern of behavior we have come to perceive as extremely worthwhile. Some values are of such critical worth to a person that there is little, if any, chance that the value will be changed or sacrificed, regardless of the situation.”

Defining my personal needs, values, and principles (what I call my morals) helps frame what I can compromise on and what are must-haves in a conflict. Once I have my must-haves thought through, I go back to how I want the other person to think of me.

The author makes a point to say that we should not perceive that the other party shares all of the same morals in the same way.

The misuse of perception can take a conflict from bad to worse. But a simple thought experiment can solve this perception problem very quickly. The old, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes” trick.

“People in conflict might disagree on how something should be perceived, but unless they first clarify how each is actually perceiving the situation, effective conflict resolution is unlikely. I have seen many potentially damaging conflicts fade away when the parties involved clarified their perceptions and found that the conflict was based on certain misperceptions.”

That to me is the most powerful skill that can be learned through the conflict resolution process. The act of clarifying perceptions of the issue can take an emotionally charged situation, one with high tension levels, and lower the temperature of the room by simply asking the question, “Why are you upset with me?”

This can lead to a conversation back and forth about how each party views the dispute which frames the conflict.

Effective Communication

Throughout all of these topics, the underlying theme is quite clear. To me, it is effective communication. Without it, there is no way to solve a fiercely debated topic or issue, and this book does a great job at preparing someone with the right communication skills to solve those conflicts.

Check out Part 2 of the review where I will go over the eight steps of the conflict resolution process.