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I said this in Part 1 of the review, but it bears repeating. I like how the author gives examples for every point he tries to make. For me, I learn best through examples so this really helped me internalize the 8 steps.

Before moving into the steps, I appreciated how the author talked about 4 things that we should do internally before the initial conversation to create a “partnership atmosphere”. The author sets the stage for the chapter and the 8 essential steps with some pre-steps to help get us warmed up.

1. “Remind yourself that conflict is not always negative”
2. “Remind yourself that an I-versus-you atmosphere obstructs effective and sustainable conflict resolution”
3. “Go through a brief review of the conflict partnership steps”
4. “Avoid locking yourself into rigid demands of what the solutions must be”

Numbers 1 and 4 resonated with me the most. I like to view conflicts as building blocks and challenges that two individuals can overcome together and become stronger together. I also think that keeping an open mind about what the solution can be is one of the key concepts we learned in grade school around brainstorming.

The Eight Essential Steps

The first step is to Create an Effective Atmosphere. This usually takes into account timing, location, and initial opening statements. Setting the stage for the conversation I think can be the most critical.

If I were to come up so someone and say we need to talk about this conflict we have, that wouldn’t be fair to them. I haven’t given my conflict partner any time to mentally prepare for a conversation or get their thoughts organized. Without both of us being ready to talk, the conversation will suffer for sure.

Once a time, place, and topic for a conversation have been set, we can move onto the author’s next step.

Step 2 is to Clarify Perceptions. In my opinion, this is the most critical step in the entire process.

“Perceptions are the lenses through which we see ourselves, others, our relationships, and the situations we encounter. As such, perceptions wield enormous influence over our behavior.”

If we can understand that our perception of the conflict will most definitely be different than our partner’s perception of the conflict, then our mind can begin to open up to the possibilities of conflict resolution.

Here is where we should list important questions to ask ourselves and the conflict partner. The author gives us a few examples like:

• “Is the conflict over one rather isolated event that shows little consistency, or is it the latest in a series of conflicts?”
• “Am I sure this conflict is with the other party and not a conflict within myself?”
• “Is the conflict over values or just preferences?”
• “What have I done to contribute to the cause and perpetuation of the conflict?”
• “What are the other person’s needs?”
• “Am I understanding what they saying and meaning?”
• “What misperceptions might I have of the other party?”

These are amazing questions to thinking about internally and ask the other partner as the conversation gets started. At this point, the author details a specific set of skills that we should develop in order to make this part of the conversation the most effective.

Again, we hopefully learned these lessons in grade school but they bear repeating: Listening, Sensing, and Asking Clarifying Questions.

“Effective listening requires concentration and clarification.”

“Sensing is our eyes, ears, and other means of sensory perception taking into our brain the nonverbal communications given by a conflict partner.”

Asking questions, “shows your conflict partner that you are really interested in what they are saying and meaning and that you don’t want to make misleading interpretations.”

If you read one chapter of the book, I would recommend reading this one (which is why I spent so much time on it 😀 ).

On to step 3: Focus on Individual and Shared Needs. This point is best described through examples and again, the author gives very detailed, descriptive, and poignant examples to illustrate this step.

This is where the author does another overview of what a need is and the difference between a need and a demand or desire. This distinction is revisited even more times throughout the book, underscoring how important the author feels about grasping what a need is and what it isn’t.

Step 4, Build Shared Positive Power is about undoing thought patterns of conflict resolution. Building strong relationships from conflict cannot be from an ‘If you win, then I lose’ mentality.

The author goes into defining what the word power means in this context. He gives great examples of how interpreted/perceived power can be very different from given power.

For example, how can a boss discipline an employee without making the employee feel resentful and still build a great working relationship? Another example is given on how an administrative assistant can stand up for themself against a controlling co-worker who is taking advantage of them. It’s all about how you make them feel.

I liked step 5, Look to the Future, Then Learn from the Past because it gave great examples of how partners who have been working well with each other for long periods of time can overcome seemingly large conflicts.

Focusing on the present/future is a concept the author makes to show everything done today is “inseparably linked” to tomorrow. This critical point gives credence to the fact that everyday actions have consequences in the future.

Also, the author goes into the power of forgiveness to move forward to a fruitful future. Although forgiveness does not necessarily mean approval of past negative behavior, it still acknowledges that people fall short.

If people get stuck in their conflict, sometimes remembering past conflicts that they overcame can give them the confidence boost they need to tackle the current one.

Step 6, Generate Options, is the brainstorming step. This is all about not saying no but coming up with ideas that meet the shared needs of both parties.

Until this point, the conversation has been setting the stage, understanding how the other person feels, and getting both parties in the right mindset to figure out ways to solve the conflict.

One thing to be aware of when coming up with ideas is the “power over” answers. These are where people will still try to initiate their dominance. The other explains how to find hidden reasons in their idea that could meet shared needs.

This free-flowing conversation should lead right into the next step.

Step 7 is Develop Doables. But what is a doable? The author lists 8 different examples of what makes a doable but I’ll list the top 4 in my personal opinion:

• Good chance of being accomplished
• Doesn’t favor one party or the other
• Requires participation of all parties
• Meets one or more shared need

Step 8, Make Mutual-Benefit Agreements, is the continuation of the doables generated in the previous step. This step can be optional, according to the author, but can be very effective to create long-lasting mutually beneficial relationships.

This review got a little long, but as I mentioned at the top, this is really the meat of the book and lays out a very clear process to solve any conflict big or small.

After I read this book, a major realization was that these steps are all about interpersonal skill development. I can develop skills internally and arm myself with the confidence to tackle any conflict.

And the best part, these skills can be used whether a conflict is present or not!

Check out Part 3!