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It is tough to trace the origins of the golden rule. Some people say that it’s based on religious axioms of treating others with respect. Others learned and developed it in civics courses on how to be good neighbors in a community.

For me, I trace the golden rule back to 1^st Grade. In my class, Mrs. Matthews would pull us aside if we weren’t playing nicely with others in our class. She always used to say, “Treat others how you want to be treated.”

This is how I lived my life growing up. I knew if I treated others with the respect that I wanted, then I should expect others to treat me that way. As I have gained more experiences in my adult life, I have learned some interesting things about this golden rule.

1. It is very easy for people to take advantage of you if you constantly show them the respect you want but they never return it.
2. People don’t necessarily know how to treat you in the way you think you should be treated. This could be because you could be in a dream world where you expect to be treated like royalty.
3. People don’t want to be treated in the same way you want to be treated.

“Don’t treat someone how you want to be treated, treat someone how they want to be treated.”

It’s Not Up To You

I emphasized ‘they’ because it is truly up to the other person on what they want. In the free society that we have in America, we are lucky enough to be able to state that choice loudly and proudly and expect other people to respect that.

We tell everyone this not just through what we say but also through what we do. It has been researched that ~55% of all communication is nonverbal. Our actions and facial expressions can account for more than half of our communication! That same article says that ~38% is vocal while only ~7% of communication is conveyed through words alone.

That means what we do and show people tells them way more than what we say. For example, if I want to tell someone that I like to start meetings on time, then I should show them by always showing up early so that I am ready to start the discussion at the start time.

If I say I want to be treated like a friendly neighbor, I will always wave and smile at everyone in my neighborhood whether I know them or not. This action is almost always reciprocated, which is exactly what I hoped for when I moved to this neighborhood. I wanted to live in a place where people waved, smiled, and said hi to their neighbors.

Double-Sided Expectation

This can also go both ways if we are not careful. All of our actions are constantly being used to tell other people what we want and what we feel. That information is being used to paint a picture of us whether we want it to or not. For better or for worse.

For example, in the workplace, if we constantly say we are too busy to help others or to take on more work, people will stop coming to us for help. It may be true that we are overworked and stressed about deadlines but is that an excuse to not help others?

That is only something you can answer but we must understand the consequences. If you never have time to help others when they ask you, they probably won’t have time to help you when you ask them. That’s because you showed them that you aren’t interested in helping each other out.

What if you are constantly the person that reschedules or cancels plans on others? Or the person that always shows up late? In this way, you are telling others through your actions that their time isn’t as important as yours.

While things come up from time to time, if this happens regularly, others will stop scheduling plans with you. That is because you have told them how you want to be treated and they don’t want to treat you like that.

Don’t treat someone how you want to be treated, treat someone how they want to be treated. Click to tweet

How you want to be treated ≠ How others want to treat you

Going back to the example of how I want to be treated like royalty. I have every right in a free society to ask for that type of treatment, then others have one of two options. Argue with me about how they’re not respecting my wishes or disassociate with me.

In my life, I have chosen the disassociation path for different people not because they have offended me, but because I disagreed with how they treated me or how they wanted me to treat them. Only in certain relationships have I made exceptions to this rule.

Therefore, as I move forward in my life, I have focused on living by the principles with which I want others to treat me. This way, I hope to be transparent and show people how I want to be treated.

Being punctual and holding to my word are big ones for me. I show people this and expect it in return. These are two non-negotiables in my relationships.

How do you want to be treated? Do you have any non-negotiables that you expect others to treat you with?